


Beyond the Illusion

by bananacosmicgirl



Category: How I Met Your Mother
Genre: 3x20 Miracles, Accidents, Angst, Episode Related, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-07
Updated: 2012-06-07
Packaged: 2017-11-07 03:41:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/426553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bananacosmicgirl/pseuds/bananacosmicgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Over twenty years after the events took place, Ted Mosby still had a hard time thinking about it. After all, the bus accident had been his fault.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers up until 3x20 "Miracles". My first longer HIMYM fic. Hope I’ve got the characters at least semi-down.

Of course, it wasn’t really how all of it happened. In the stories he told his kids, some things were exaggerated – like the beauty of some of the women he’d dated – and other things withheld – there was no way he would relay the number of times the f-word was really used in conversation, to his children. But most of his stories followed the lines of truth fairly well. 

Except one.

Over twenty years after the events took place, Ted Mosby still had a hard time thinking about it – and there was no way he was telling his kids exactly what had happened.

After all, it had all been his fault, even more so than he told them.

 

\--

 

“You can go, your x-rays were clear.” The doctor signed something on his chart.

“Thanks, doc,” said Ted, swinging his legs over the bedside. Lily handed him his pants and a shirt and within minutes, he was dressed and ready to go. “And we’re off!”

“Where are you going?” Robin asked.

There was only one person Ted wanted to see right now. Stella. She’d been on his mind ever since the crash and he needed to make things right with her. Needed her to take him back. He understood now how stupid he’d been – she was The One. He needed to convince her of the same thing; he needed to get her to give him another chance. 

The look on his face must have betrayed him, because Marshall made a shoo-ing motion with his hands. “Go, dude. We’ll take care of the paper work.”

Ted gave him a quick grin. “Thanks. Later!”

He sped out of the hospital room and out the sliding doors that served as the entrance. He was filled with happiness, with a great sense of adventure – he’d just survived a near death experience and suddenly, the world seemed so much clearer. The colors were more intense, the details crisper. He’d never seen New York this way before.

—and then he saw Barney, standing on the other side of the busy street. Barney was panting and Ted could see the sweat glistening on his forehead. Ted frowned; hadn’t Lily just called him? Barney must have been in the office; it was in the middle of the day. Considering the state of Barney’s suit, had he—run there?

Irritation welled up inside. Ted didn’t want Barney around – why couldn’t Barney just get that through his thick head? Barney had broken the Bro Code and besides, he was generally annoying and never thought about anyone but himself. Ted wasn’t sure what Barney had done to get Robin into bed, but he was sure that some sort of tricking had been involved. It made his blood boil. Barney was a Thing Ted Had No Use For – what would it take for Barney to get that? 

Barney looked up suddenly and their gazes met. Even from this distance, Ted could read every emotion on his face. Happiness, relief. A bit of fear. Barney had such an open face.

Ted resolutely turned away and stepped into the street, determined to ignore Barney’s presence.

He heard screeching tires.

He saw the bus. 

He realized with a start that this was it – now he was going to die. No one was that lucky twice in the same day.

And then something hard smashed into him that wasn’t the bus. Ted got thrown to the side, stumbling back hard and landing on the asphalt – and he watched with wide eyes as the bus hit Barney full force instead. It made a sickening sound and Barney disappeared beneath it. 

It seemed to take forever for the bus to pass. Ted saw glimpses of blond hair, pale skin and dark suit beneath the bus and he couldn’t look away, couldn’t see anything but tragedy happening.

Then suddenly the bus had stopped and Barney was lying broken on the ground. Limbs stuck out at angles they shouldn’t and there were scratches and cuts and blood, oh God, so much blood.

Ted crawled over, his hands hurting from where he’d taken the fall. 

“Barney? Barney! Oh God, Barney,” he said, reaching out to touch him but realizing at the last moment that he shouldn’t. Broken bones, broken—Ted had never seen anyone look so broken.

Was he even breathing? Ted couldn’t tell. But there, a rise and painful fall of Barney’s chest, and suddenly blue eyes were looking at Ted.

“Ted.” Barney tried to move but he mewled in pain.

“Don’t move!” Ted said, thick tears lodging in his throat. “You’ll be okay, you’ll be okay, you’ll be okay. Everything will be okay.”

He didn’t know if it was Barney or himself he was trying to convince.

“Ted,” Barney said again and it sounded like a cry. Blue eyes looked up at him, unfocused, dimming with every shuddering breath he took. There was blood on his lips now, blood on white teeth, blood beneath Barney’s head and wrecked body.

Doctors swarmed around them and Ted was pushed aside. Hazily, he thought how lucky it was that it had happened right outside the hospital – but then he remembered that the reason for that was because Barney had come to see him.

Barney had come to see him. 

Barney, whom Ted had banned, had still come to see him.

“Sir, are you all right?” A nurse kneeled beside him, placing a blanket around him. He realized that he was shaking, but he could barely feel his own body, so he couldn’t tell if he was cold. “Let me see your hands.”

“I was—he pushed me—he—I didn’t,” Ted mumbled, all the thoughts jumbled and impossible to make sense of. Before his eyes, he kept seeing Barney getting hit by the bus. Again and again, the sound cutting into his head and the images running faster and faster. He smelled blood and suddenly, the Jell-O he’d eaten earlier came up again and he threw up on the street, his stomach cramping until there was nothing left and he was dry-heaving.

The nurse helped him stand up and placed him on a stretcher. Ted started laughing suddenly, maniacally bubbling up, as he realized that before today, he’d never before been on a stretcher and now he’d been on one twice in the same day.

The laughter turned into sobs.

He saw Barney being wheeled into the Emergency. He only caught a glimpse, but he saw that Barney’s eyes were closed and his skin was grey and there was one of those stabilizing things around his neck and a mask over his face and people everywhere and was he even still alive at all?

How could Barney be anything but alive?

“I have to—” he said and tried to get off the stretcher.

The nurse held him down gently. “No, you don’t. They’ll take good care of him, I promise. There is nothing you can do for him right now.”

“But—but he’s my friend,” Ted said and it sounded broken even to him. Barney was his friend, but Ted wasn’t so sure that he was Barney’s. Not really. Friends didn’t say the things Ted had said—

What if Barney died now and Ted could never make things right? This wasn’t how it was supposed to be.

He was wheeled into the Emergency and he couldn’t even string the sentences together to tell them that he was fine. They needed to go work on Barney instead. Barney needed their care, their help, not him.

Lily was standing in the reception and looked up as Ted was wheeled inside. Worry creased her face immediately.

“Oh God – Ted?” she said, rushing over. “What happened?”

Marshall loomed next to her. Ted’s addled brain thought faintly that from this angle, Marshall looked huge.

But then he blinked and he saw Barney getting hit by the bus again, playing across his mind a thousand times over in a single second.

“Barney,” said Ted, trying to sit up. “Where is he? Where’s Barney?”

Lily exchanged a look with Marshall. “Ted, honey, Barney isn’t here right now. You two haven’t talked in a while, remember?”

“No, no!” Ted shook his head. “He’s here. He was—he was hit by a bus. He saved me and he was hit by a bus!”

They stared at him. At first they seemed to think he was joking, but as they took in their surroundings, with Ted lying on a stretcher again, his hands a bloody mess, their looks of disbelief turned into horrified chock. 

Robin choked out, “They just—they brought a guy in just—when I was walking. He—blond hair and—oh god—Barney?”

They were interrupted by Ted’s cell phone which suddenly started ringing. Still gaping, her eyes slowly filling with tears, Lily helped Ted get the phone out of his pocket. Ted’s hands were bloody and hurt and his fingers wouldn’t do what he wanted them to, but Lily clicked to answer the call and placed the phone to Ted’s ear.

“Hello?” Ted only barely managed to get the two shaky syllables out.

“Hi, Theodore Mosby?” It was a woman on the other end.

“Yes,” Ted said. He hoped it wasn’t about work or something else stupid. He would hang up if it was and he didn’t care how rude it was or what job it would cost.

It wasn’t work. “I have you listed as the emergency contact for Barney Stinson—”

Though he tried to, Ted could barely hear the rest. Blood rushed in his ears and he was dimly aware of the phone being removed. He heard Lily talk softly but then that too disappeared in a deafening roar. The world was spinning around him, upside down and twisting back and forth. He wasn’t built for this, wasn’t supposed to handle these things. The world was supposed to be easy with black and white and good and bad, not all mixed up in shades of grey with red blood smearing all across the board.

His mind gave out and dark silence enveloped him.

\--

 

Lily was sitting by his side when he woke up. He was in a hospital bed, tucked in beneath blankets. He frowned, trying to remember. Oh yeah, the car accident. 

He’d had the strangest dream. 

He’d dreamt about Barney. And a bus. And Barney getting hit by a bus.

Stupid dream.

He looked at Lily, who had her eyes closed but didn’t look like she was sleeping. Resting, maybe. Her shoulders shook slightly and he frowned at that – why—

He saw tear streaks on her cheeks, glinting in the dim light of the room.

With a start, it all came back to him. It hadn’t been a bad dream. He’d seen Barney and there had been the bus and Barney had saved him from getting smashed into tiny bits by the bus. Barney had been smashed instead, into a million pieces with cuts and broken bones and blood everywhere.

He remembered Barney’s voice, so small and hurt, saying his name through bloodied lips. 

Lily opened her eyes then and it seemed to take her a second to realize that Ted was awake. When she did, she was up and hugging him. He could feel the wetness of her tears through the thin hospital gown he was wearing.

“Barney?” asked Ted.

“Still in surgery,” Lily said between quiet sobs. “At least that was the last they told us. Massive internal bleeding—and so many broken bones—oh God, Ted, what if he doesn’t make it?”

“He will.” Ted tried to sound more certain than he was. Tried to be more grown up, more able to handle this, but he felt like a frightened child. “He has to.”

Barney couldn’t die, not now. The onslaught of guilt was nearly suffocating. Barney’s accident wasn’t a random chain of events – everything had happened because of Ted. If Ted hadn’t ended their friendship, then Barney would have been at the hospital from the start with Lily, Marshall and Robin. If Ted hadn’t been in the hospital, Barney wouldn’t have run there. If Ted hadn’t decided to studiously ignore Barney and go see Stella instead, then he might have seen the bus and Barney wouldn’t have had to save him.

What if Barney died? What if Barney died thinking Ted hated him?

Lily sat up and wiped at her eyes with the back of her hand. “How are you feeling?”

“I—I don’t know,” Ted mumbled, because it was the only answer he could give. The true magnitude of what he was feeling at the moment was far too complicated – and he wasn’t important right now. Only Barney was.

Why couldn’t he have realized that before? Why couldn’t he have remembered – ‘bros before hos’. Why had it been so important to crush Barney until only crumbs remained – because if Ted was completely honest with himself, he knew how much Barney valued their friendship.

There was a knock on the door and a moment later, Marshall came inside. His shoulders were slumped, a heavy weight on them, and he looked like he’d been crying. 

“Marshall?” asked Lily, looking at him with wide eyes.

“He’s out of surgery,” Marshall said. “He’s—he’s still alive, but he’s in really bad shape.”

“How bad?” Ted could only just choke the words out.

“They’re not sure he’ll survive the night,” Marshall said.

Lily was over there a moment later and Marshall wrapped his arms around her. Marshall buried his nose in her hair and breathed loudly, shudders going through his body.

Ted sat up, intent on going to find Barney. He had to find Barney.

Large hands stopped him. “Sit down, Ted.” Marshall held him and Ted found he had no strength in his body. “They might let us see him in a while, but not yet. They have to make sure he’s stabilized first.”

Ted sank back into the bed. He caught sight of his hands and saw that they had been neatly wrapped up in gauze. 

This was what he had to endure, while Barney had to fight for his life. Ted had his hands wrapped in gauze while Barney got turned inside out in surgery just to stay alive. 

Barney shouldn’t have saved him. He should have left Ted to get hit by the bus. Ted should be the one in pain, the one near death. He was the one who deserved it after being such an awful friend.

“Where’s Robin?” he asked finally, the world still spinning too fast around him.

“She went out,” Lily said. “She said she couldn’t just sit around and wait.” 

Marshall sat down heavily, Lily beside him, their fingers lacing to offer strength. Silence spread; there were no words. Nothing to say, nothing to scream. Prayers, maybe, had either of them been the least bit religious. Ted wasn’t, but he prayed silently anyway.

And they waited.

\--

 

Robin came in and Ted had never seen her so disheveled, her eyes puffy and red with mascara smeared across her cheeks. For some reason, he’d expected her to be as perfect as always even in the face of tragedy; a mask to hide behind. But obviously, this was too much even for Robin to handle without emotion.

“He’s in the ICU now,” she said softly as she came inside. 

“ICU?” Ted repeated dumbly, as though he’d expected Barney to get out of surgery and be immediately fine. 

Robin studied the floor. “The surgeon’s coming to talk to you in a minute. You’re Barney’s emergency contact so she’ll talk to you, since his family isn’t here.”

Barney’s family. Ted’s heart beat faster. “Did anyone call James?”

Lily nodded. “I called him earlier. He couldn’t get a flight out today, but he’s gonna try to come tomorrow.”

The surgeon who’d operated on Barney came in to talk to them, to tell Ted about Barney and his injuries. They convinced the surgeon that they were all Barney’s family, not just Ted. Ted wondered if he was Barney’s family at all – did family treat each other the way Ted had treated Barney? Thrown him out like he was an old, broken toy.

Broken.

Ted heard the word over and over again within the string of words the surgeon said: broken bones, internal bleeding, broken legs, spinal cord injury, head trauma, broken arms, broken, broken, broken—

“But he’ll survive, right?” Lily asked, somewhere in the middle of all the words.

“We don’t know yet,” the surgeon said. “We’ve done our best to repair the damage, but he’s not out of the woods. The next twelve to twenty-four hours will be critical.”

Ted swallowed hard. This was all wrong. The world was on its head and nothing was the way it was supposed to be. Barney wasn’t supposed to be comatose with head trauma and broken everything – he was supposed to be at McLarens hitting on girls and drinking beer and telling everyone how awesome he was.

Somewhere down the line, the surgeon told them that Ted could visit Barney and Ted nodded dumbly, feeling all the while like he should protest because everything was wrong. Then she left and he could only remember that she’d worn green scrubs and nothing about what she’d looked like.

A little while later – it could have been minutes, or hours, or even days for all that Ted noted the time passing – a wheelchair stood beside his bed. With some annoyance, he sat in it. The nurse wouldn’t let him leave the room before a doctor signed him out, unless it was in a wheelchair. 

And really, there were more important things to Ted right now, than argue his mode of transportation.

He didn’t say anything to his friends as the nurse wheeled him off to the ICU. The letters Intensive Care Unit looked large and foreboding on every sign, black like death. Ted’s heart sped up again. The ICU was for people in really, really bad shape. Did he really want to see Barney? Couldn’t Lily do it? Or maybe Robin—

But Barney didn’t deserve that. After months of being treated like dog who’d behaved badly, Barney had still saved his life and the only question of who deserved what, was if Ted deserved Barney. The answer was no, he didn’t.

The nurse opened the door to a dimmed, private room. “Just push the button if you need anything.”

She sounded gentle and nice and Ted wanted to tell her that he didn’t deserve nice.

But his throat had closed up completely.

Barney lay before him. 

Ted had seen Barney sleep before, usually after drinking binges where Barney hadn’t been successful in scoring a girl. Somehow, Barney was still animated and alive even in sleep – his eyebrows twitched and he drooled sometimes, and on occasion he talked in his sleep. He’d roll this way and that and even kick and punch in the air on occasion.

Barney was nothing like that now.

Now, Barney was still and pale. Except for his chest slowly rising and falling with the help of a machine standing beside the bed and the mask covering his face, there was no movement. Barney’s forehead wasn’t wrinkled and there were no winks, no wild hand gestures. He was—lifeless.

Nausea washed over Ted again and he swallowed hard. Slowly, he stood up and walked the last few feet to stand beside the bed.

The breathing mask covered half of Barney’s face, over his nose and mouth. Ted tried not to think too long about the fact that Barney needed help to breathe; it seemed so wrong. There was a brace around his throat and neck keeping his head in place and Ted had seen enough medical dramas and documentaries to know that that was a bad thing. Spinal cord injuries. Bad, bad damage. 

Below his neck, most of Barney’s body was wrapped in gauze and set in casts. Both his arms were in casts and several fingers had been taped to hold still. Both his legs were elevated and in casts as well. 

“You weren’t supposed to—” Ted started, but he choked before he could get to any kind of end. He didn’t know what he wanted to say. Should he beg for forgiveness?

A part of him expected Barney to wake up, to just open his eyes and rip off all the casts and stuff, and laughingly tell him that this was all a prank or a very elaborate magical number, all done just to get Ted to realize what an idiot he’d been.

Barney didn’t magically wake up. The lone sounds in the room were those of the machines keeping him alive. Ted could only sit and stare, guilt eating away at him. 

“Why did you do it?” Ted asked, voice barely holding. “Why did you save me, after the crap I pulled? Why were you even there?”

Would he have rushed all the way across town, by foot, if he’d found out that Barney had been in a car accident? Or would he have decided that Barney wasn’t worth the trouble, or that he might go see him later at night after the work day was over, if he had the energy?

He felt disgusted with himself.

The door opened and Lily came inside. 

“I couldn’t stay away,” she said softly. “I had to see—him.”

She stumbled over the last word as she took in the sight of Barney. Her eyes widened and tears started spilling down her cheeks. 

“I thought—I knew—the doctor said it was bad but this—” Her heels clicked against the floor as she walked over to the side of Barney’s bed. She hesitated only slightly before cupping Barney’s cheek. The contrast between her red hand and his sickly pale skin was striking. There was no reaction to the touch.

“I keep expecting him to jump up,” Ted said hoarsely. “To say that it’s all a big prank or something.”

“It doesn’t seem real.” Lily’s gaze was on Barney, taking in every detail, every cut, every bruise. “He’s not supposed to be like this.”

They fell silent, only the beep of Barney’s heart rate registered on a screen and the sound of rushing air from the ventilator filling the air. The sounds might have annoyed Ted, except right now, they meant that Barney was still alive. With the doctors giving him better odds if he survived the night, Ted rooted for the irritating sound to continue, continue, continue.

“What if he wakes up and can’t use his legs?” Lily’s soft voice broke into Ted’s reverie. “What if he’s—”

Broken. 

Forever.

Ted wanted more than anything for Barney to open his eyes and tell them that he was never, ever going to be stuck in a wheelchair – or maybe that if he was, then he’d rock it because he was awesome.

“We’ll make it work,” Ted said when Barney failed to say anything. “No matter what, we’ll help him.”

Lily turned her head to him. “What, you’re okay with him now?”

“How can I not be?” Ted asked before he could stop himself. 

“You were really pissed at him before.” There was disapproval in Lily’s eyes.

“He saved my life,” Ted said. “I—how can I not be okay with him?”

Lily’s gaze returned to Barney. “He’s still the same person. He and Robin still did it. I really want you to forgive him, but you shouldn’t do it just because he’s hurt.”

Ted stared at Barney as well. That infuriating, womanizing – and ridiculously charming when he wanted to, even Ted had to admit – idiot who’d barged into Ted’s life and then just stuck around, Ted’s new self-imposed ‘best friend’ no matter how much Ted protested. Getting him to leave had been impossible until Barney broke the Bro Code.

With a start, Ted realized that it had only been possible to get rid of Barney when Barney had felt he deserved to be punished. Ted had tried, several times, to get rid of Barney at the start of their friendship and he’d always failed, until that night in the limo.

Hurting Ted by sleeping with Robin – that had obviously done the trick. Barney had done his fair share of stupid and barely legal stuff – and probably some things that weren’t legal at all – but hurting Ted was the only thing Barney felt he needed to be punished for. 

Ted’s way of handling the situation had played straight into Barney’s – probably subconscious, because really, the only thing Barney’s conscious seemed to tell him was that he was awesome – need to be punished for his actions. 

Bros before hoes. So why had he chosen Robin over Barney? Why had he decided that Barney sleeping with Robin was much worse than Robin sleeping with Barney?

The door opened then and a nurse came in. “I’m sorry, but your fifteen minutes are up.”

It felt like they’d been in there for an hour, or maybe a few seconds. Ted gazed down at Barney, trying his best to ignore the lump in his throat at his friend’s bruised face. He reached out and squeezed Barney’s shoulder very, very carefully, wishing fervently for a reaction from Barney but getting none.

“We’ll be back tomorrow, buddy,” he said quietly. “You just hang in there.”

“We’re all rooting for you.” Lily’s voice was thick with tears. 

They both kept shooting looks back at Barney’s still form as they exited the room. Once outside, Ted looked forlornly up and down the hospital hallway.

“C’mon.” Lily was looking at him, but he couldn’t read her expression. “Let’s go find something to eat. I’m sure Barney will be here when we get back.”

Her voice broke only a little on the last words. She held out her hand and he took it, ignoring the way it shook lightly. She had him sit in the wheelchair again and she pushed it for him. They met up in the waiting lounge with Marshall and Robin, both of whom wanted updates, and they decided to go eat in the hospital cafeteria. The food turned out to be okay, but no one ate more than three bites and what little small talk they tried to engage in soon died away.


	2. Chapter 2

They were all able to go home late at night, after Ted had finally been discharged, his hands freshly wrapped. Barney’s doctor told them that there was nothing they could do and that it would be better for everyone if they could get some rest at home. They protested but they knew the doctor was right. They’d be of absolutely no use to Barney if they were exhausted. Ted tried not to think about the fact that they were just as useless if they were at their very most alive and awake.

The four took a cab home and Robin slept on the couch because just like the others, she didn’t want to be alone. Ted thought he’d never be able to sleep but he was out before his head hit the pillow.

At four in the morning, he woke, sweaty but cold. His pajama was soaked and his heart racing so he had to have been having nightmares, but he couldn’t remember them. He could imagine easily enough, though, because the nightmares weren’t just his imagination, but memories, and the memories haunted him even as he changed into a t-shirt and sweatpants.

When he came out into the living room, he found Robin sitting up wrapped in blankets, staring straight ahead.

“Robin? You okay?”

She barely reacted to his words, only glancing sideways when he sat down next to her. 

“Hey,” Ted said.

“Hey.” Her voice was small. The room was dark, but he thought her eyes looked puffy. “Couldn’t sleep.”

“Yeah, the couch is kinda lumpy.” Ted tried to joke and she gave him a hint of a smile. 

He knew how much this must frighten her. It scared him so much he woke up drenched in cold sweat – it had to scare her the same way. Maybe even worse, because he knew first hand how Robin tended to shut down whenever things got too emotional. She couldn’t possibly shut this down.

“What did he look like, Ted?” 

He wasn’t used to hearing her voice crack.

He had no idea how to answer her. No truth could calm her, because the truth was that Barney had looked like he was already dead. Yet no lie would comfort her either, because she had caught the glimpse of Barney as he was wheeled into the ER and she’d heard the doctor list his injuries, so she knew that things were bad. Getting hit by a bus was bound to be bad.

He pulled her to him instead and after a moment of sitting stiffly, she relaxed a bit into his embrace. Not completely – Ted suspected that to relax completely she’d have to let her guard all the way down and that was just not happening – but enough for her to draw comfort from him. 

“We’ll go see him,” Ted said. “Just as soon as the sun comes up, we’ll go see him.”

“I don’t know if I can.” Robin sounded broken and she had to be, to be able to admit that much of what she would perceive as weakness.

Ted smiled slightly into her hair. “Of course you can. You’re Robin Scherbatsky. You can do anything you put your mind to.”

“But what if he doesn’t—” She broke off and looked away, as though ashamed of even thinking it.

“He’s Barney,” Ted said as though that was an answer. He wished it was.

She hid her face in his shoulder at that and didn’t say another word. He wondered if she was crying.

They fell into some half-slumber there on the couch, her head on his shoulder, and stayed that way until Marshall and Lily stumbled out of bed an hour and a half later. 

Lily brewed coffee and poured it into four mugs that they could bring with them and then they took a cab to the hospital. Visiting hours wouldn’t start until eight, but maybe they’d be able to get in anyway. No one felt like sitting around in the apartment.

At least Ted hadn’t gotten the call they’d all been dreading. The doctor had promised to call should anything change drastically during the night. The lack of calls must mean that Barney was, at the very least, still alive.

“He is,” said Dr. Patrick once they got to the hospital, “but I’m afraid that’s the extent of the good news. He has been stable since last night with no change for better or worse. He’s still comatose.”

“Can we see him?” asked Marshall.

The doctor looked at each of them in turn before nodding. “You may.”

Barney’s room number hadn’t changed since the night before; room 106 in the Intensive Care Unit. Dr. Patrick told them that talking to comatose patients could help, but that they’d only get to stay as long as they kept calm and quiet. Ted wasn’t sure what the doctor expected them to do – sing and dance with joy around Barney’s bed?

Ted went in last this time. In part because he’d already seen Barney so he felt he could give the others some space and in part to make sure that Robin didn’t bolt. She looked like she might at any second.

“Oh God,” she breathed as she came up to Barney. She looked away, hiding her face in her hands.

Marshall stood with his mouth hanging open. “He—he doesn’t look alive.”

Lily reached out and cupped Barney’s cheek much like she had done the day before. “He’s warm, at least. And with the heartbeat and the breathing, that makes him still alive.”

“But comatose,” Ted said.

“Don’t bring up the bad stuff!” Lily said. “Just the positive. We need to stay positive. He might be able to hear us and what do you think he’d say if he heard us talk all bad about him?”

Ted frowned briefly. “It’s not bad talk. It’s just truth.”

“Yeah, well, sometimes truth isn’t what’s needed, no matter what he says,” Lily said and they all remembered Barney’s one-man show too well to not know what she was referencing. “Sometimes, the rules need to be broken, even his.”

“I remember,” Ted muttered, though a second later he wished he hadn’t, and it wasn’t just because Lily was suddenly glaring daggers at him.

“You got something to say?” 

“Lilypad, is this really—” Marshall said, but Lily sent him a glare as well.

“Ted here has something he wants to share with the class,” she said.

Ted half shrugged, half sighed. “You know what I’m talking about.”

“Oh yeah. The big Bro Code break.” Lily moved towards Ted and anger colored her voice. “Poor Ted. Barney slept with Robin, Barney broke the Bro Code, Barney gets thrown out in the cold – what right do you have to judge him?”

Ted wondered briefly how things had turned upside down so quickly. Hadn’t they just been fine, all there to support Barney? And what was he supposed to do about what had happened? What was done was done.

He ignored the guilt pointedly, even though it crashed on his head like an avalanche. There was annoyance too, now, because Barney had been wrong to sleep with Robin. What right did Lily have to judge him?

“He slept with my ex,” he said, a slight hiss to his voice. 

“Yeah, your ex, whom you’d been broken up with for a year, Ted,” Lily said. “What claim do you have on her? You’ve moved on, or at least I hope you have, considering how much you say you want Stella back – otherwise I feel sorry for her.”

“She’s my ex and sleeping with her was breaking the Bro Code!”

“Hey, I’m standing right here,” Robin said, but she too was ignored.

“Bro Code, Bro Chmode,” Lily scoffed. “You always roll your eyes whenever Barney brings up the Bro Code and yet now it suddenly matters?”

“Fine, not Bro Code,” Ted snapped. “Common decency. Common fucking decency between friends! He doesn’t have that either.”

A small part of him knew that that was a big, fat lie – Barney certainly had common decency. He might not always choose to use it, but he certainly had it. And with his friends, Barney had shown several times that there were few things he wouldn’t do for them.

“Hey, guys,” Marshall tried, but failed as his wife turned red and yelled at Ted.

“Get out! You don’t deserve to be here!” 

“Neither of you can be here.” A stern-looking nurse had come into the room and it was a testament to how loud they’d been that none of them had noticed her entering. “You two will have to leave. I won’t have visitors causing such ruckus at this hour.”

Without ceremony, she grabbed Ted and Lily both by the arm and led them firmly out the door. Robin and Marshall stared after them. Ted glared at the nurse for a short moment before turning his ire at Lily.

“Oh no, you don’t,” said the nurse before Ted could start. “You go outside if you want to scream at each other. Not in here.”

“Fine,” Ted snapped and stalked off. 

The sun had started to rise but it was still very early morning, the air crisp and fresh. Ted didn’t have time to enjoy it; they had only barely passed the doors leading outside before Lily started up again. 

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

“I don’t know, you tell me,” Ted said. “You seem to know everything!”

“I know that you’re an idiot.” 

“Gee, thanks.” Ted turned and tried walking away again, but she grabbed his arm.

“Why didn’t you shut Robin out of your life?”

“Because—” he started, but found he had to stop dead, because he had no reason that rang true. Because he loved her? Sure, he did, but not that way. Not anymore. That should mean that Barney and Robin were both his friends and as such should be treated equally. Because Robin was a girl? Well, she was, but she was also a gun happy and sleeping around as much as Ted. She certainly didn’t need him to be her knight in shining armor.

But Barney was Barney and Ted realized that that was the true question of the matter – why he had banished Barney, rather than why he hadn’t banished Robin. 

Barney was a bastard who took home a new girl every night. Barney drank, smoked cigars, made a lot of money doing God knew what kind of work. Barney lived alone and thought marriage was Satan’s invention. Barney was a childish ass most of the time and could thus be treated as such.

Lily had apparently read Ted’s thoughts. “He doesn’t live life the way you do and so you feel superior. He craves your attention and you just throw it in his face.”

“I don’t!” Ted protested.

“You ended your friendship with him,” Lily said. “Just like that. He hates relationships but he’d do anything for you to admit that he’s your best friend – and I know that hurt him more than any physical pain you could ever inflict on him. How the hell is that doing anything but throwing it in his face? You wouldn’t treat a dog like that, so why is it okay with Barney?”

“Because he’s Barney!” 

Lily’s eyes turned cold. “I sure as hell hope you come up with something better to say to him when he wakes up.”

“What, should I beg for his forgiveness?” Ted didn’t have a leg to stand on anymore and he knew it – he had blown it with Barney, blown it big time. He had behaved like a way worse bastard than Barney ever had. 

Now that he thought about it, he suddenly couldn’t come up with any of the bad stuff Barney had supposedly done. Sure, there had been the crappy bachelor party for Marshall – but then Lily had revealed the secret of Barney’s trip to San Francisco, which more than compensated for everything. He had married Lily and Marshall and paid for their honeymoon. There had been Mary the non-prostitute, but that hadn’t exactly been a friendship-ending joke – it had just been Barney’s slightly odd kind of humor, just like him stealing Ted’s stuff when he was moving in with Robin.

And the good stuff? Barney had been his Wingman – sure, whether Ted wanted him to or not, but he’d done it really well – and he’d kept Ted company whenever Ted needed it. They’d played video games, watched movies, gotten drunk.

Barney wasn’t like Marshall. If Ted got drunk and tried to do something stupid, then Barney just cheered him on – the Pineapple Incident had been more than enough proof of that. But even though Barney would push Ted into doing stupid things sometimes, he also always had Ted’s back. And going on adventures with Barney was always awesome.

“You should beg for his forgiveness and hope he takes you back,” Lily said. “And if you’re so lucky as to get him back, then you should seriously think about an attitude adjustment, or his is not the only friendship you’ll lose.”

She swirled around and stalked into the hospital again, leaving Ted standing on the sidewalk. 

People bustled by. Ted looked longingly at them; they hadn’t just had their worlds turned upside down by a large yellow bus, a tiny redhead and a blonde man who said ‘legen-waitforit-dary!’ a bit too often.

He swallowed hard; the spot where the bus had hit Barney was right in front of him. Between the busses passing by, Ted could see the darkened spot of dried blood on the asphalt. His mind flashed back to the day before – it had been less than twenty-four hours, oh God, it hadn’t even been twenty-four hours – and he wished he could go back and change it. He wished he could go back and get into a different cab to begin with. If his shoelaces hadn’t been untied, where would he be then? Where would Barney be then? In his office, surely. Beyond the new-girl-each-night thing, Barney was a workaholic. 

Ted sat down with a sigh, leaning against the wall of the hospital building. He sat there, staring at the people passing by, until someone mistook him for a homeless person and threw him a nickel. 

 

\--

 

Days passed and some sort of relative normality settled. Robin and Ted both started working again while Marshall and Lily, unemployed and off from work because of school recess respectively, stayed in the hospital with Barney. Robin and Ted both came there as soon as they got off work. James came to town and stayed in the hospital most of the time.

Lily and Ted hadn’t spoken since their fight. Ted wanted to make up with her, but he had no idea how to start. 

“Dude, why don’t you just admit that you were wrong?” asked Marshall when Lily was out on a series of errands and Robin was still at work. James had left to go for a walk, unable to sit still at the hospital any longer.

“I don’t know,” Ted said. “I just—it doesn’t feel like it’s Lily I’m supposed to be apologizing to.”

“So you’re gonna apologize to Barney?” 

Ted looked at Barney, wishing fervently as he had so many times in the last few days that he would wake up. 

“Yeah,” Ted said softly. “I’m gonna do what Lily told me: ask his forgiveness and hope he takes me back.”

“Good,” said Marshall. “I would’ve had to hit you over the head or something otherwise. Barney is part of the group, dude. We don’t just throw group members out.”

Ted made a face. “I know.” 

He would have said more, except Barney chose that exact moment to start moving. The heart rate monitor started beeping faster and Ted saw Barney’s hand twitching. Immediately, Ted was by Barney’s side, hand gently on his shoulder – the one where the collar bone wasn’t broken.

“Barney?” He tried not to sound too hopeful.

Barney moved weakly beneath Ted’s hand; it was more like an attempt at flexing muscles that hadn’t been used in days, than actual movement. Then Barney’s eyes flew open and he looked around wildly, attempting to struggle against the casts and braces he was in.

“Barney, calm down,” Ted said, trying not to panic himself. “You’re in the hospital. You’re okay. Just don’t try to move.”

Barney blinked rapidly against the dim light of the room, his gaze continuing to flicker this way and that.

“Barney, look at me,” Ted tried. “Come on, man, just look at me.”

Barney’s gaze finally landed on Ted. His eyes were filled with terror and Ted squeezed Barney’s shoulder ever so lightly. 

“Good,” Ted said gently. “Now just calm down and the doctor will be here in a second to take out the tube in your mouth, okay? Just stay with me, Barney. Everything’s okay.”

He felt a little like he was talking to a child, but it calmed both himself and Barney. Barney’s gaze bore into Ted, all confusion and fear but still endless trust that had Ted’s stomach tying itself into tight knots.

A doctor and a nurse entered the room, having apparently been alerted of the change in Barney’s status. A few moments later, Barney was free of the ventilator. He coughed and gulped down air, eyes squeezing shut. Ted stayed beside him. His other hand came up to run across Barney’s forehead and hair, in a hopefully soothing motion. He wasn’t sure who needed to be soothed the most. 

“You’re okay, Barney,” Ted breathed. “You’re okay.”

“’ed,” Barney rasped, looking up at Ted with such happiness that fresh, heavy guilt welled up within Ted. Barney shouldn’t be looking at him that way. Barney should hate him for how Ted had treated him.

A nurse gave Barney an ice chip to suck on, soothing his unused throat, while the doctor started running Barney through a series of tests. Barney flinched as the doctor shone a light in his eyes but said nothing. Then Ted held his breath as the doctor pricked Barney’s toes with a needle – and Barney could feel the pricks. 

“You’re not paralyzed,” Ted said in a breath of relief that made it almost a laugh.

Barney looked at him and there was a shadow of his old self in his eyes. “’course not. ‘m way too awesome for tha’.”

Marshall chuckled and came over. “Yeah, you are.”

Ted wondered where Marshall had gone before – had he been there the whole time? Ted had been so focused on Barney that he hadn’t noticed. It didn’t matter; what mattered was that Barney was awake.

The nurse left and then the doctor, after a promise to return once Barney had recovered a little. That left Ted, Barney and Marshall in the room. 

Marshall smiled at Barney. “Good to have you back, dude.”

Ted caught the meaningful look Marshall sent him. It was the look that said that if Ted wanted to keep being friends with Lily – and by extension Marshall – then he needed to apologize to Barney.

“Barney,” he said, thickly. “You—you could’ve died.”

Barney looked at him, eyes filled with pain and regret. “Ted, ’m sorry I broke the Bro Code.”

Barney was only half-alive and he was the one apologizing? He’d pushed Ted out of harms way and gotten run over by a bus and yet some of the first words out of his mouth was that he was sorry? Just how much did he value their friendship? Yeah, it had taken Ted this whole ordeal and a tongue-lashing from Lily to realize how wrong he’d been about everything, but still—

“No, I’m sorry,” Ted said. It wasn’t so hard to say. It wasn’t hard at all, actually. 

His heart broke at the sight of Barney looking at him, almost shyly, blue eyes flickering. There was such adoration in his gaze it almost scared Ted. What had he done to deserve such devotion? 

Barney’s voice was quiet, the words still muffled by his unused voice. “Ted, can we be friends ‘gain?”

“Barney, come on,” he said, reaching out to squeeze Barney’s shoulder, ever so gently as to not aggravate any pain he was in. “We’re more than friends. We’re brothers.”

Barney closed his eyes and a lazy, soft smile spread across his lips. It was like someone was pouring life into him, little by little. “You’re my brother, Ted.”

Ted could feel every wall he’d ever built crumbling at the gentle joy in Barney’s voice. “You’re my brother, Barney.”

It wasn’t very comfortable, but he had to hug Barney. He bent down and rested his head on Barney’s chest. He could hear Barney’s heartbeat, steady and safe. The fear and panic that had been following him like a shadow for the last couple of days washed over him and the tears started. For once, he didn’t bother to try to hide them or wipe them away.

He heard Barney taunt Marshall about being Ted’s brother and upon Ted’s admission that they were all brothers, he could only smile into Barney’s chest when Barney asked if he was Ted’s best brother. No matter what Ted named Barney, Barney would obviously always compete with Marshall about being the one closest to Ted. Ted didn’t understand Barney’s fixation on him, but at the moment he ignored the questions it called forth and just enjoyed having Barney back.

After a while, Marshall straightened. “I’ll go call Lily and Robin.”

Although Marshall would surely do just that, it was still a thinly veiled excuse to leave Ted and Barney alone. The door closed and Ted kept his head on Barney’s chest, still in the awkward hug.

“I missed you,” he said. He had, though he hadn’t wanted to admit it. After all, he’d been the one who’d ended things and so he’d blamed the times he’d turned to where Barney should’ve been sitting to say something on habit. Only now that it was over could he admit that he’d missed Barney. He’d missed Barney a lot.

There was a sleepy chuckle in answer. “’course you did. ‘m the Barnacle. ‘m your Wingman. It’s like Chewbacca without ‘n Solo.”

Instead of rolling his eyes – because of course Ted would be Chewbacca and Barney Han Solo – Ted raised his head to look at Barney and smile slightly. “Yeah.” 

Then Barney winced and Ted worried immediately. “You okay?”

“Fine.” It was a lie, but if Barney wanted to keep some brave façade up, then he was allowed to. After everything that had happened, Barney was allowed to do pretty much anything. 

“Thank you,” Ted said instead.

Barney raised an eyebrow in question.

“You saved my life.” The image of Barney getting hit by the bus flashed before his eyes. “I’ll never be able to repay you for that.”

“No need,” Barney said. “We’re brothers. ‘s what brothers do.”

There was a slight slur to his voice, his eyelids falling shut. Barney struggled to open them again, but he seemed to be fighting a losing battle. 

“Sleep, Barney,” Ted said. 

Barney opened his eyes to gaze at Ted briefly, then averting his gaze. He looked shy again. It was a strange look on Barney’s face; Barney was always so certain of himself. So full of awesomeness and tricks and magic; there usually wasn’t space left for shyness. Now he seemed to be debating himself on asking Ted something. Ted suddenly realized what it was.

“Do you want me to stay?” 

Barney almost glared at him, but there was no heat behind it – rather, Ted saw a pleading ‘yes’ in his eyes, even though Barney scoffed, “No, ‘f course not.”

Ted sat down in one of the four visitors’ chairs and picked up a magazine. They’d bought a bunch of magazines to keep themselves occupied while keeping watch over Barney and then none of them had been able to read a single line. 

The next time Ted looked up, Barney was sleeping, the pulse monitor showing a slower, steady rhythm.

 

\--

 

Later that evening, Ted was sitting outside Barney’s room. Robin was with Barney and Ted thought he’d give them some privacy. Besides, a part of him needed to breathe. Not because he couldn’t stand to be around Barney – in all honesty, he had half a mind to glue himself to Barney’s side for a while, just to make sure that Barney didn’t jump in front of any other busses for any other friends, but he had to admit that lying perfectly still on a bed for six weeks the way Barney was supposed to didn’t sound like fun. 

No, he needed a breather from himself. From his own thoughts, his own guilt, which was amplified every time he looked at Barney’s beaten body. Guilt crashed upon him anew with every wince Barney tried to hide.

Why had it taken him this to admit that he’d been wrong? Why hadn’t he just called Barney after a week and told him that he missed him? Why couldn’t he have admitted earlier that he was wrong?

Lily and Marshall came down the corridor carrying coffee cups and a bag of what had to be donuts. 

“Hey,” said Marshall and handed Ted his coffee. “Robin inside?”

“Yeah,” Ted said. “She got here twenty minutes ago.”

Lily was studiously not looking at Ted. Ted only glanced up briefly at her, before studying the cup of coffee with feigned interest.

Marshall looked between his wife and Ted. “I’ll just go in and give Robin her coffee, then. And she’ll probably have a donut too.” He grabbed a donut and Robin’s coffee from the bags and headed inside.

Ted wasn’t sure he had the energy to face Lily right now. She wasn’t looking murderous anymore, but Lily’s face could be deceptively calm sometimes.

“I apologized to him,” Ted said, hoping that that was what Lily wanted to hear. “And I thanked him for saving my life. We’re friends again.” When Lily stayed silent, just looking at him, Ted squirmed a little before continuing. “I’m not sure why he took me back. He just did.”

“He loves you,” Lily said. “More than you deserve sometimes, you douche.” 

“Yeah.” Ted sighed, almost wistfully. “He does.”

“Did you mean what you said?” 

“Yeah.” Ted didn’t have to ask what she meant, nor did he have to think about his answer. He had meant his apology with every fiber of his being. 

“Good.” Lily sank down onto the plastic chair next to Ted’s. “If you ever hurt him again, I’ll have no choice but to hurt you. Just so you know.”

She was perfectly serious, he knew, but when he looked at her, he also saw that the twinkle was back in her eyes. She’d forgiven him for acting like an idiot. 

He wondered why everyone accepted his apologies so easily, but decided not to look in the gift horse’s mouth.

“I’m glad you’re okay,” Lily said. At Ted’s confused look, she continued, “You were in a car crash and then nearly got hit by a bus. My nerves—well, you frazzled them a bit. You and Barney.”

“Is that why you yelled at me?”

“A little bit,” Lily admitted. “But mostly, it was because you were a douche.”

He smiled slightly at her, then wrapped his arm around her shoulders and hugged her. He marveled at his luck in finding such good friends. He didn’t know what to do without them – and that included Barney. 

It definitely included Barney. 

“So, now that Barney’s awake, are you gonna go talk to Stella?” Lily looked up at him.

Stella! He hadn’t thought of her since Barney’s accident – he hadn’t so much as called her or sent her a message of any kind. 

“Crap!”

“Forgot all about her, huh?” Lily asked.

“I—I’ve gotta go.” Ted stood up, nearly spilling coffee all over the place. He opened the door to Barney’s hospital room. “I have to go, right now. I just realized—Stella. Barney—”

Robin and Marshall looked at him with raised eyebrows. Barney – who could only barely see him out of the corner of his eyes – did a dramatic, “Go. Run, Ted, run. If there’s anything I’ve taught you over the years it’s that—”

Ted smiled at Barney’s antics. He decided that since days had already passed, it wouldn’t matter if a few more moments went by. He walked across the small room and hugged Barney, interrupting him mid-sentence.

“You’re my brother, Barney,” Ted said.

“Yeah.” Ted could hear Barney’s smile. “Your very awesomest brother ever. But we’ve already established that. Now you need to go get laid, bro.”

Ted chuckled. He couldn’t remember the last time he was this happy. 

 

\--

 

To this day, Ted felt guilty when he thought of the weeks leading up to the accident. And even now, when he closed his eyes he could still see the bus hitting Barney, as clearly as though it was happening at that very moment.

When he told the stories to the kids, he exaggerated a few things – like the amount of cool parties he’d been to – and withheld other things. Things like the way Barney still needed pain meds to handle the pain on really bad days, because broken bones don’t always mend themselves back to perfection.

There were scars on Barney’s legs, torso and arms that had faded over the years, but silver lines were still visible. Ted caught sight of them sometimes when Barney rolled up the sleeves of his shirts or when they went swimming together, and he always felt the need to apologize and thank Barney again, even though Barney would hit him over the head and call him a repetitive little girl whenever he did.

But even though Ted wouldn’t tell it to his kids, he would never forget how it really happened.

 

\--

 

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.  
Albert Einstein


End file.
